Responsible Father

Quick note about the term: I’ve asked around as to the right term for when a car takes off so fast that it spits out dirt behind it. And I’ve been told by younger people that they don’t know a word for this. So maybe it’s an outdated term, but that’s what I mean by “Peeling out”.

A story: Back in the days when I was younger and single I used to help out with a Boy Scout troop and one of the other leaders had a bit of a temper. One afternoon up at camp, after getting upset with the boys for one reason or another, he hopped into his car and peeled out of the parking lot.

Unfortunately, the parking lot was mainly dirt and mud and he got quite a bit of it on my car as he drove off. Later, when I mentioned this to him, he told me “Well, it sure felt good!”

This was not really a consolation as I spent an hour cleaning the mud off my car.

Now 15 years later, as a father, I’m ashamed to remember that I’ve used the same defense, at least silently, to myself. So after I yelled at my kids for making a mess, or get upset when a child’s accident causes me to redo something, or make a cutting remark to my wife when she’s not doing things my way, I’d think:

– Well, it’s good to get that off my chest.
– I needed to say that.
– If I don’t vent once in awhile, it will be emotionally debilitating.
– My kids don’t want a dad who stuffs everything down.

Obviously, these thoughts can be as foolish and selfish as peeling out of a parking lot.

Dads, how about you? Do you use excuses like this? Yes, maybe these outbursts are, in some small way, cathartic and good for your soul, but are you leaving family members covered in mud?

Next: Headwinds

Click here to see the list of posts in this series.

So imagine you have a mid teen age kid and he’s into Soccer and he’s very good. He’s so good that he’s better than older kids and leading teams to victory and to championships. And soon you see that he’s acting prideful and mocking the other kids because they aren’t as good as him.

If you’re a good dad, this should be a cause for concern. What would you say to him to help take away the pride in his abilities and stop him from lording his skill over the other players?

Here’s what the father of the best Soccer player in the world told him.
“Come here. Don’t do this with the kids, because God gave you the gift to play football. You didn’t do anything. This was a present from God. You have to respect people, because it is important to be a good man, a good person. From now on, you must be this example.”

This is what Pelé (in an interview last summer) said his dad told him when he was young.

And when the interviewer challenged this, saying he must have done a lot of hard work, and it wasn’t only God who gave him the gift, Pelé continued.

“Of course the work is very, very important. That is exactly what my father meant: God gave you the gift to play football, but this is a present. You must respect people and work hard to be in shape. And I used to train very hard. When the others players went to the beach after training, I was there kicking the ball. Another thing I say is, if I am a good player, if I have a gift from God but I don’t have the physical condition to run on the field what am I going to do?”

See parents? Your words can have a positive godly effect on your kids. Even on those kids who are most likely to have a big head. And even a half century after you speak the exhorting words.

Go and do likewise.

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By the way, this is the first time I’ve used the word “Props” in a blog post (not to mention the title). I was going for alliteration. How did it go?

Our new daughter, Aimee Grace!

We’ve had a baby. It’s a girl!

With Big Brother Carl

Facts –
Name: Aimee Grace
Weight: 7 lb – 10 oz.
Height: 20 ½ inches
Two weeks early.
Child count – 8 Kids – 5 Boys and 3 Girls
Child ages: 16,15,13,12,11,10,5 and 1 day.
Age of mother: 45
Years since her last biological childbirth – More than 10 1/2

Our family now has birthday on every month between October and April
And none between May and September.

Mom, dad and kids are all thankful to God who gave Aimee to us.

And we are experiencing Joy.

Here’s my wife’s post on this subject.

Here’s my question for the day:

Think about the last time you were angry with your child. Were you in a hurry? Were you angry at that child because he or she wasn’t working on your schedule?

It’s too common: I have something I want to get done and I have a time frame in mind and the kids aren’t falling into it. This goes back to to the point of the last post, because it probably means I’m expecting too much of my children because I’ve scheduled too much in. Which is my fault.

A dad who is often in a rush with his children is a dad who will have difficulty showing grace and mercy in his Fathering.

Next: Peeling out.

Click here to see the list of posts in this series.

One more time, you can file this one under you-might-not-find-this-in-the-Bible

From my Hypothesis (1) explained in my last post.

Dads, if
(1) you are angry with your child in a certain situation, it means
(2) you think your child is partially responsible for the situation, and,
(3) there is a part of your brain that fears or suspects that you were partially responsible for the situation, so
(4) you’re afraid you did something sinful or unwise to cause this situation.

But what are you afraid your sinful or foolish action was?

Hypothesis (2) – you were afraid of one of two things:

1. You were afraid that in this situation you were expecting too much from your child, or
2. You were afraid that some time before this situation you have expected too little from your child.

Does that seem reasonable? Possible?

So – right now in this situation where you are angry– which was it?

And whichever it is – what are you going to change to prevent your anger in the future?

Next: A common situation that ignites a dads anger.

Click here to see the list of posts in this series.

Introducing the Anger Grid!

Warning: The following is my personal opinion, and I think you would be hard pressed to find it in the Bible. So accept these thoughts accordingly.

It is my theory that most of the time (for most reasonable people), if a person is experiencing anger about a certain problem, it’s because they suspect (or fear) the problem is at least partially their own fault. If something negative happens to a person and that person is fairly confident that it’s not a result of something foolish or sinful they did, then they may experience sadness, or want some kind of justice, but they don’t experience anger.

So here’s a grid that I whipped up using my extensive computer graphics ability.

Is the grid clear enough?

The key to the grid is, we only get angry if we detect both ourselves and another party is responsible. If we think it’s only our fault, then we just experience shame. But if we have another person we can blame, that’s when we get angry. And this means that anger is a sign we are latching on to our hope that another person is to blame. If the other person hadn’t done it, then the bad thing wouldn’t have happened and we wouldn’t have had to feel bad about this. Do your best to scrutinize and be suspicious of this way of thinking.

Here’s the application: The next time you’re angry – check to see if you feel some culpability for the problem. And if there is – deal with your own sin or lack of wisdom before you deal with others. And this is especially true if the “others” are your kids.

Does that make sense? Does it fit your reality? As you look back at the last time you were angry, does it seem likely that you were fearing that the problem was at least partially your fault?

Next: What I think dads are fearing about themselves when they are angry.

Click here to see the list of posts in this series.