(I’m acting like an authority here. Please give me feedback and point out where I’m not quite right. Or completely wrong.)
When there has been a conflict between you and a child (or your child and another) it is wise to bring the child to another room where you can (A) discuss it, (B) speak in a calmer way, and (C) administer discipline if necessary.
In these situations, I have found it helpful to make sure the child understands that one of the following 4 things has happened in the conflict (loosely in order from least likely to most):
1. No one sinned
2. The Dad (or Mom) Sinned only
3. Both sinned
4. The child sinned only*
This is important: You and your child should come to an agreement which of the four situations has happened. Change will not occur if the child walks away thinking that they have done nothing wrong. And their behavior and attitude might get worse if they think they have been wrongly punished. Help them understand their guilt.
If you have sinned, state this and ask for forgiveness. But this doesn’t change your son or daughter’s sin. Make sure they understand this.
Once the “who has sinned?” question is resolved, then the real work of discipline, forgiveness, prayer, grace, reconciliation can happen.
*If this is a multi-child conflict, your child might bring the other child’s sin into the discussion. Tell them that (A) you will discuss their sibling’s sin with him/her and (B) it is beside the point of this discussion.
This sounds like it’s right on target! I think that this method of dealing with conflict gets to the deeper issue at hand (i.e. the issue isn’t the conflict itself, but rather, the heart attitude of both the parent and the child(ren) before God and each other).
Thanks. And yes, getting to the heart issue is very important.
Good words, Scott. Thanks for posting.
This was great for me to read as a young father. Honestly, I don’t look forward to these days, namely because I feel so sinful. I don’t feel very fit to be dealing as an authority with my child’s sin. All the more reason for humility and repentance on my part I suppose, and to model that to my children and Emily.
Thanks again man, this is really helpful for me.
“Honestly, I don’t look forward to these days”
You mean they’re not happening yet?
One of your best posts!
I’m surmising that Phil is referring to the bottom half of your post, about speaking with the child and reaching an understanding of guilt, etc.. That’s a little hard to do when they can’t talk.
Abigail, you are wise. Jamsco, I don’t know about you